Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just found out that she named her cat after me.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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