You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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