Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
