Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
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Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
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You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex