So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
