i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
