I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
