You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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