why didn't you poke me back
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
