I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
