we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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