I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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