at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
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I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
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You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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