The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
