my phone needs a breathalizer
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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