I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
