Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
