His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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