I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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