my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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