Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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