i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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