Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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