My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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