Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
