the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
