too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
