I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
