you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
