pedialite and red bull = repair kit
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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