If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
