i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
