Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
