Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
