I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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