My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
