I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
