my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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