I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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