hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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