She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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