Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
