He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
