I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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