Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
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