mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Ladies don't puke and tell
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
