Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
