I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
