fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
