At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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