i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Randomize
