i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
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I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
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I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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