i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
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